- That's it.
Dad, what...
Dad! Oh, my God!
Dad...
No...
Dad!
[Donald Foley]: Well, I guess death waits for us all...
each and every one of us.
I was just kind of hoping that God might have made
an exception for a curlin' man.
But obviously, I was wrong.
And if you can hear my voice, then you know that I've gone
to that great bonspiel in the sky
because this is the last will
and testament of me, Donald Foley.
I'm going to miss this world.
Yes, I'm gonna miss this world.
Oh, I know, I've died with a clear conscience
and I hope my underwear was too,
but I'm still gonna miss this world, this I tell.
Hell, I mean I'm gonna miss the mine
'cause I love the smell of sulphur in the morning.
I know I probably died of a heart attack
but you know, I sure as hell didn't die of a broken heart
because I had you, my nearest and dearest,
the humans I loved.
My beautiful bride Eva,
so long, Kama Sutra girl.
And my own personal astronaut, my daughter Julie.
And my tough little Amy,
you've done a great job with Brendan.
I'm so proud of you.
And to my four curling protégés,
I know I often treated you like a venereal disease but you were
the best team a man could have the honour to coach
and I think of you as part of my family.
Mr. Neal Bucyk, one of the great lead stones of the game.
I am confident you'll handle the send-off
of my mortal remains
with all the dignity and solemnly
that such an occasion calls for.
- Oh!
Ah!
[Donald]: Oh, and Neal,
I would surely appreciate that discount we talked about.
- Here it is... Here it is...
Oh God!
- To Donald Foley!
[All]: To Donald Foley!
[Donald]: And to my great guard rock
Eddy Stromback, one of these days,
your sperm is gonna land on the button
and I hope you and Lilly will name the first one after me.
And James Lennox, master take-out artist,
you don't come home often enough.
But I guess that's the life of a big commodity
in the commodity's business.
I'd like to pass on a word of advice:
You'll never get a woman to settle with you
if you can't remember her name.
- Linda, Eddy, Lilly, this is Jeanny.
- Jo Ann. - Jo Ann! Shit, sorry baby.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I must have "namezheimer", or something.
[Donald]: And Chris Cutter, the natural-born skipper,
there are those who would call you a son of a bitch
for abandoning your teammates, your town
and leaving my daughter standin' at the altar,
and I'd be one of 'em.
- Can I talk to you?
- I have to take my mom to the wake.
[Donald]: But I'm aimin' to get into heaven
so I suppose I'll have to forgive you.
And after all, who knows?
Maybe you've changed.
I can tell you, our little town sure has.
- Ah, fuck! What happened to Kelsey's?
- They put one of those American big boxes down the road,
bled them dry. - God damn it!
This is happening all across this country.
Places like Kelsey's, it took them sixty years
just to get the creaks in the floor.
You can't mass produce something like that.
That hardware store was unique. - So was my husband.
I'm glad they came up with vibrators.
- Let me tell you something about vibrators. God!
Whoohoo! - Oh, my God!
- God!
Ah...
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
[Donald]: I'd like you to do me a favour, Chris.
I'd like you to say hello to an old teammate of mine.
I'm a little worried. Last time I saw him,
he was doing something irregular with a cow.
He's your father. He misses you.
And now,
my worthy effects I leave to the three women
in my life, the one that you'll give each other
all your love and support.
- So, you're an astronaut because he was a loser?
Tell me how that fucking works! - I didn't say that, Amy.
- Julie, it's not... it's not... - Hey!
Why do you take her side? A heart like his
and she takes him out on the lake?!
- At least, I was there for him.
- There for him? You killed him.
[Donald]: Yes, it's the peace and tranquility
of our happy home that I will miss.
And that concludes the reading of the last will and testament
of me, Donald Foley.
There is however,
uh, a codicil.
It is my wish that my cremated remains be placed
under the handle of this last of the Copernicus stones.
- Which Mr. Foley died recovering from the bottom of Trout Lake.
Though how they came to be at the bottom of the lake
is one of Long Bay's most enduring mysteries.
- The Golden Broom was established in 1937.
From that time to the present,
the closest any local rink has come to winnin' it is you.
Therefore, I'm askin' you to reunite as a rink
and that you place this rock, containin' me,
Donald Foley, place it on the button
and finish the job.
Remember:
The purity of the heart is to will one thing.
[Eva]: Good God!
In his high chair! That man was so unsteady.
- He's in there now? - Hm-hm.
- Marvin, this can't be legally binding.
- Oh no, no, no.
But morally, well...
it's a big decision.
Here's your coach!
[Amy]: There's no way they're gonna do it, is there?
[Julie]: Doesn't look like it.
[Eva]: Ah, you never know with those boys, do you?
They haven't seen each other in ten years.
[Linda]: We are talking about the country club!
- Hey Dad... What happens to a body after it dies?
- It rots. - No, but I mean like...
before the rot? Where does it go?
- A perfect opportunity!
And what do you do? You ignore it. You ignore my wishes.
Sometimes, I'm just not sure we're on the same page.
Pass the beets, please.
I'm trying to reach you out here because...
if there is an absolute truth...
The beets, please.
The truth is this, you cannot, you cannot snub
the Treasurer of the Country Club
and expect to be looked upon favourably.
The beets, please!
Third time I've asked.
- To answer your question, Andrew,
sometimes you get buried in the ground.
And other times, although it's infrequent,
you get put in a stone
and other times, you just get married.
- I mean, fun is fine and all, but you and me, we got plans.
We can't just, you know, drop everything,
pick up, go curling. - Sure you can.
- Oh...
- Now! Right now!
- Ah! Ah! One of these days, Lil, this is gonna work
and you and me, we're gonna find ourselves
with a whole brood of kids. Oh! Ah!
- I know the sperm will flow
and make my egg a good... Oh!
[Moaning]
- Oh, Jesus!
[Jo Ann giggles.]
[James]: What?
- I'm ticklish. - Well, suppress it.
Come on, baby, this is serious.
Each team has eight rocks, each guy throws two.
When all the rocks are thrown,
whoever has their rock closest to the button,
or bull's eye,
that team gets the points.
- So, if you're on my button
but I've got two rocks over here, I don't get any points?
- No, 'cause I'm closer. Whoever is closer, that team scores.
The other guy gets nothing. - Okay. Like "shuttleboard".
- It's shuffleboard, and no.
You gotta think more like snooker, poker
and free-face rock climbing. This is dangerous shit.
Cause if your stone's a high, hard one,
you're gonna slide right through the house
and wind up in the heck.
- Must urinate.
- Good to see you!
- Shoot! I forgot to tell you about Hugh Grant in there.
- How do you forget about 400 pounds of defecating menace?!
- I'm looking for my money! [Farting]
- How did he seem, you know, mood wise?
[Screaming]
- Ooh!
- You fucked with Stuckmore...
- Oh...
[screaming]
[Chris]: Come on! Shut up in there!
[James]: Easy, easy!
- James?
Lovers' quarrel? - Business dispute.
- Ah.
- Oh, Jesus Christ! He's coming through the wall, man!
- Piece of shit!
Where's my money?! - Okay, okay!
Listen, listen. I told you the money was here.
Well, here it is. That's the money.
- You're the money? - Listen, buddy,
I don't what the fuck he's talking about.
- Cutter, the man is manifestly serious!
- I want my money!
- Okay. The money. Alright. I got it. It's here.
It's right... it's kind of heavy.
- Okay. I really gotta pee now.
[Eddy]: Just like old times, uh?
[Chris]: Yeah, a little too much like old times.
- What's that suppose to mean? - A decade goes by and I'm still
pickin' up after you. - No, you're not.
- Oh no? A giant walked the fuckin' earth
and now, he's lying in the trunk of my car.
- Yeah?
- What do you mean, "yeah"?
Am I still speakin' English? - Yeah.
- Pretty much. - This is your problem.
- Whoa, whoa! Hold it right there, my bon vivant.
This is not my problem.
This is most definitely your problem.
- His problem?! - Sure. All I did was sell
his mescaline without paying him.
Chris, on the other hand,
crushed his head with a curling rock.
Now you gotta understand something about these guys.
To them, money is more or less, uh, a hobby.
Violence, on the other hand, is their vocation.
- What does this have to do with commodities trading?
- Every food chain has its brutalities, Eddy.
[Thumping sounds in the trunk] - Oh God, the giant is awake.
- Stop sign!
[Siren wailing]
- Oh, shit!
- Is there a problem, Frances? - You know, Neal,
sometimes keeping the peace requires a limited vision.
For instance, I don't see that questionable cigarette
in Jim's mouth. But what I do see is a car
bouncin' up and down like hell.
- The shocks... need weight.
- Ah.
- So life is good there, Frances? - Oh, it's good and spicy.
Specially since you boys are gonna be takin' a run
at the Golden Broom, hey? - Who said we were gonna
take a run? - You know, in law enforcement,
we call this a deduction. To wit. I got four delinquents
with their coach on the roof.
I conclude that you're probably lookin' for practice ice.
As opposed to, I don't know, let's say... dispose of a body.
[Laughter]
Got a problem there?
- Muffler.
- Well, you'll be wantin' to repair that, hey?
- Good night, Frances.
- God! The giant is awake again.
- Me... down... now!
- Okay.
[Stuckmore screams.]
- Ah, you're dead!
- Say hello to Port Huron for us.
[Eddy]: Anybody hungry?
- You packed a lunch? - No, Lilly did, just in case.
- Just in case what? - Just in case... I don't know,
just in case anything. - Every time you step out
of the house, she packs you a lunch?
- No, not every time.
- How often, say, in a course of a week?
- Six times maybe?
- Unbelievable! If Linda ever packed me anything,
it'd be dynamite. She'd pack it up my ass.
So Jim, what's the story with this girl friend of yours?
- Who, Janice? - Jo Ann, isn't it?
- That's right. What about her?
- You didn't see her long? - A couple of weeks, on and off.
She's a rented girl friend. - Good God! Listen to yourself.
Are you some kind of moral dyslexic?
- I think you got that backwards, baby.
- Beautiful, isn't it? - Guys, come on.
When is the last time any one of us threw a stone?
- It'll be ten years May 13th.
- Yeah, that's when you walked out on us.
- Yeah, which mystified the hell out of all of us, man.
I mean, the three of us sat around scratching our asses
wondering what the hell happened to Chris in that last game
that would make him walk away from a chance to win
the Golden Broom without saying a fucking word to anybody.
Now, it just so happens that one day,
I found myself in a bar
in Boob Lake. Suddenly, the answer came to me,
in a vision, and it went kinda like this.
[Eddy]: Does he mean... like a burning bush sort of thing
or... [Neil]: No, I think he means
Cutter burned a rock and he didn't call it.
- No, he didn't. - Yeah.
Is that true? You touched a rock and didn't call it?
We got into the finals 'cause you cheated?
- That's why he threw the stones in the lake, Eddy.
- That's why you couldn't face us.
And now, here you are.
And here we are.
And Donald Foley, God rest his soul,
has asked us to put him on the button.
So I guess the burning question is,
are you gonna pick up that stone?
- It's on fire.
- I mean, metaphorically?
- Foley always said the life blood of this game is honour.
You think I deserve to pick up that stone?
- Why not?
One way or another, you've been carrying it
for ten years already, man.
[A door opens.] - Hey!
- Hey.
I saw your car outside.
- So what are you doing out at three in the morning?
- Driving around trying not to drink.
How about you?
- I'm hanging out with your Dad.
Which, in the circumstances,
is vaguely creepy.
- My Dad was a freak, hey?
- Yes.
- I had no idea his plan was so...
elaborate.
You know, it was like... I thought it was just a nice way
to get to spend time with him.
I'd take these scuba lessons and he'd get the boat
and we'd get the rocks and get you... guys back.
And now, I think, for what?
I look at him in this thing...
and it's just a rock.
- No, it's not just a rock.
- No? - No.
It's forty-two pounds of polished granite,
beveled on the belly
and a handle a human being can hold.
And it may have no practical purpose in itself
but it is a repository of human possibility
and if it's handled just right,
it will exact the kind of poetry...
For ten years, I've drilled for oil
in 93 countries, five different continents,
and not once have I done anything
to equal the grace of a well-thrown rock
sliding down a sheet.
Not once.
- I'm a drug dealer.
- I bury dead people.
- I have a single digit sperm count.
- And I'm a naked cheater.
I say we go for it.
Are you with me?
Let's do it!
[They scream.]
[Complaints]
- This water is glacial!
- That's because it's fed by a glacier.
- My gonads have forsaken me.
- Okay. We're gonna have to start playing.
- Yeah. We gotta get into game shape
and I've lined up our first match with some old boys.
Isn't there used to be a rope ladder?
- Lf I could get a hard on, we could all climb up.
- Hey.
- I was just going through some of Dad's stuff.
[Teary voice]: Nobody else seemed up to it
so I thought that I...
I would...
- Hey, come here...
[crying]: I just miss him...
- Me too.
- You came for the rocks, didn't you?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- I have to, Julie. I owe him.
- You owe him what?
- Me. I owe him what I am.
- A rough-neck in the oil patch, Chris.
It's not a depth, that's a curse.
- Not everyone could be an astronaut, Julie.
- You say that like it's a fault.
- Ah, come on, I don't mean that. You know that.
I'm proud of you. Everyone is proud of you.
He was proud of you.
He loved you. - Did you?
- Yeah, I loved him. - And me?
- Of course you loved him.
- Did you? - Love him?
- No. - Who?
- Me. - You?
- Yes, me. You moron, did you love me?
- Yeah, I did.
- Just take this
and go.
- I say we play with honour.
- Yeah, and with dignity.
- Exactly. But remember, we say nothing about incontinence.
- Good game. - Take it easy.
- My friend, we are gonna sweep those diapers
right off your asses! Whoo! Whoo!
- That's the spirit, sonny!
Asshole. Come on, boys, let's kick some butt.
- Hey, look who showed up.
- Mind if I join you?
[Amy and Julie]: Sure.
[Amy]: Buckle up.
Get comfortable, 'cause here we go.
[Jo Ann]: So, what inning are we in?
[Amy]: Well, they're called ends.
This is the first, they'll play ten,
up one side and down the other.
[Jo Ann]: Those old guys are kind of old, aren't they?
[Amy]: Don't be deceived. Old guys tend to have a touch.
He'll lay that stone in just so.
- They may be old but they are the enemy. Kill them!
[Amy]: You see, every player has his own kind of style.
Some guys have perfect weight. They throw the lead stones.
Then you have your guards.
Then you have your take-out artists.
And finally, you have your skipper.
And together, all four of them make a rink.
[Jo Ann]: And our rink is doing pretty good.
[Amy]: So far.
- Like riding a bike.
- Never really lose it, do you? Not really.
Oh... Oh... Oh!
- No, sir!
[Amy]: But old guys can be cunning.
- Whatcha got there, Son? - Uh, tobacco from Persia.
- Yeah? I had a Persian cat once.
[Amy]: They'll try and lull you
into a false sense of security.
[Jo Ann]: Wow!
- Named her Kitty. Legs from here to Los Angeles.
- May I just say what an honour this is?
I mean,
I barely got through high school and... Shit!
You went to the University. - Two of them, actually.
McGill and Harvard. Double doctorate.
- Which is amazing!
But your fitness level, I mean,
who let the dogs out?
[Jo Ann]: So, what the heck are all the brooms for?
[Amy]: Well, without touching the rock,
you can affect its speed and accuracy.
You can steer a rock of granite down
a hundred and forty-six feet of ice
and lend it on an area the size of a toilet.
[Julie]: Which is where our guys are gonna wind up
if Cutter doesn't pull his shit together.
- Thought you weren't interested.
Oh, admit it,
you still got it for him.
- Tap this one, raise this one... - Tap it?
- Tap it.
- I think they're gonna do it!
- Whoohoo!
Whoohoo!
- Whoa! I haven't seen something like that in fifty... fifty...
I've never seen something like that.
- What happens now?
- The largest piece of stone nearest the button
wins the point.
- You call that a tap?
- Yeah, man! A tap with authority!
- You stupid fuckin'... - Whoa whoa whoa!
[Amy]: Well, one last yellow stone and a wide open target.
- Which means our guys are about to be destroyed
by a gang of octogenarians.
Those are old people.
- Oh.
- Yeah!
- Ah, I forgot the tape.
- Here, I'll give it to him. - Yeah, I'm sure you will.
- Knock it off, okay?
- Here comes trouble.
- Listen, all I can say in my defense...
Okay. What was that about?
- About my equivalent of a mercy fuck.
Take this.
- Hi. My name's Amy, and I'm still an alcoholic.
I'm a single mom
and my ex...
I don't even know where he is.
And there's this other guy...
that I haven't seen in a long time...
and he doesn't even know.
The problem is... he reminds me of my Dad.
The point is lately,
I've been feeling like I need a "touch me up"
'cause I just don't know which way to turn.
- Hey...
You can turn to me anytime you want.
- Thank you. That's sweet.
But I'd rather shit in my mouth.
- So, what's the hell with you and spacewoman, man?
- She wanted to give me this tape and...
- This tape was in her mouth?
- Hertongue was in her mouth.
[Donald Foley]: Here's the coach, boys.
- Oh, Jesus! It's the voice of the dead!
[Donald Foley]: I imagine by now,
you've thrown a couple of rocks
and you're beginning to think this is a pretty dim idea.
I just want to thank you fortrying.
- Okay, that's manipulation. He's trying to manipulate us, man.
[Donald Foley]: And I'm not trying to manipulate you.
Truth is, my spirit can only carry you so far.
What you need now is some paternal advice.
- What's that mean?
[Donald Foley]: And Chris,
I think you know what that means.
I'll see you boys later. - Yeah? Like when, man?
[Donald Foley]: When you're dead, of course.
- Oh God, it's so true.
[Donald Foley]: In the meantime,
keep your brooms on the ice. - Jesus!
- Okay, what do you see out there?
- Beavers. - The ones with teeth?
- Yeah. - Okay, good.
- No, not good. It's an omen.
- Okay, come on. Let's get the brooms.
- Hey man, what if it is an omen?
- It's not an omen.
It's just a bunch of confused beavers.
- "And the beaver shall bring forth beavers abundantly.
Thou shalt go up and come into thine house
and into thy bedchambers." - Hey, Neal, do you mind?
- Think about it. We just had our asses chewed off
by a bunch of guys
who don't even have their own teeth anymore.
We're driving around in a hearse, talking to a dead guy
and now, the road before us is blocked by our national symbol.
All these events gotta add up to something, right?
- "...into thy ovens, into thy needing..."
- Seriously, you give me the creeps, man.
- "And the beavers shall come both upon thee
and upon all thy people...
and all thy servants."
- What do you think they add up to?
- I think they add up to what the coach said, man:
Temporal advice.
You have got to open your arms up wide and say, "Hi, Dad."
[A beaver screams.]
- Jesus! - Come on!
Gimme a hand.
- Fuck!
- You know, my schedule is pretty rigid these days.
This fertilizer won't wait, you know.
I'm certainly glad you showed up.
A second hand always helps to keep the mess down here.
You know, I used to own two but one of them ran away.
It didn't take too easy to the attention.
At least, that's my guess.
Here, take that. Come on with me, here.
Over here now.
You need to stand up over there.
Hold the tail. Now get that bucket up there.
So now, let me guess.
You got trashed and you realized that you needed a professional
so you decided to bury the hatchet.
- What are you doing?
- I am rubbing the cow's sphincter because...
[liquid flowing] Here it comes.
Get the bucket up there. - Ah, Jesus, Dad!
- That's a girl, that's a girl.
The critical crop growing period.
There's nothing finer for it than what Roxanne here delivers.
[The cow farts.] That's it, girl.
Bring the bucket.
[The cow farts again.]
Give me the bucket. Thank you.
Beautiful, isn't it?
- They're mushrooms.
- Yes, but they are...
they are magic, my son.
They are magical mushrooms.
- Dad, listen... - Oh no, I understand.
You've got scruples about the illegality.
Rest assured that I have
no commercial aspiration whatsoever.
These mushrooms are... medicinal.
- Hey, can you just stop what you're doing for a second?
- We shall not speak of her.
- Oh, I'm not here to talk about Mom.
- No? - We haven't been able
to talk about Mom since the day she died,
and I don't think we're gonna start talking now.
I'm quite happy if we just leave all that
in the drawer we've put it in.
And I'm not asking you to love me,
I'm not even asking you to like me,
I'm just asking you to coach me.
- That's all?
- That's all.
- My word shall be like onto gods?
- All right.
- So be it.
[Poets - The Tragically Hip]
- All right, men! You've got three weeks.
By the end of that time, you might just be able
to pretend that you know something about this game.
- Eddy!
- Oh oh oh oh oh...
Oh oh oh oh oh...
Oh oh oh...
Oh oh oh oh...
Oh Jesus!
- That's some hair-trigger you got there, Eddy.
- It's not the size of the army,
it's the fury of its onslaught.
- Bets are laying that the Cutter rink doesn't make it
to the second end.
Just your eyes on the street, that's all I am.
Unless, of course, you wanted something more...
whatever that might be.
- Some cream might be good.
- Okay.
- Twenty...
on Cutter.
[He's watching a foreign pornographic movie.]
[Intercom]: Dr. Michel, at the fertility clinic, admitting.
Dr. Michel, at the fertility clinic, admitting.
Ah, Lil... Lilly...
- What's he's saying about the motility of your sperm
is that there is none. Motility, that is.
And he thinks maybe we should investigate donor sperm.
- Donor sperm.
Hmm.
Is that something you personally take part in or...
[TV]: There was a time
when beaver lodges like this one
and the busy beaver that build them
had almost disappeared from Canada because...
[Eddy]: What about Bucyk?
- He's too indecisive.
Cutter is too moody.
And Lennox is too... [motorcycle roaring]
Lennox.
Ah honey, we're facing a real shortage of sperm donors.
- Well, I guess I'm the only guy in the team for you, huh?
- Yeah.
- Damn!
I could blow a gasket.
- I'm a gasket.
What's your name?
I mean, your real name?
- Andrea.
[Whispering]: Andrea...
[moaning]
- Ronald... Ah... Stop!
[Silence]
Continue. Ah ah ah ah...
Stop!
[A car is approaching.]
Depart!
[Zipper sound]
And where have you been?
- Uh... out.
- Curling, no doubt?
While the business that was handed to you by my father
goes unattended were it not for Ronald.
- Ah, Linda, you're lookin' at me like you asked the question
but that was actually a statement.
- Shape up or ship out!
[Coach]: Men...
we'll let not ourselves be pushed around.
We'll be aggressive and we'll be hard-headed about this.
We're going up against skilled teams,
like Alexander The Jutternaut Yount,
who play a touch game. We'll answer that
with speed, power,
heart. Are you with me?
[All]: Yes, Sir!
- All right. That's enough for today.
Son!
Would you give me a second of your time, please?
- What? - How's my form?
- It's fine. - Good!
Because I think it might be permanent.
Oh! Ah!
Where did you graduate from,
Saddam Hussein School of Physiotherapy?
Oh!
This is unspeakably painful!
Ooh... - Hush.
- Amy!
- Your father is a sock hole.
- No argument there. Listen, I need some advice.
- About what? - About your sister.
- Jesus... - What?
Come on, you're a woman.
- Oh! You noticed. - Ho ho ho!
Oh, she may look like a woman,
all those curves and the swirls.
Everything suggests she's a woman,
but you get caught for two seconds in her clutches
and you'll come to know she is the spawn of Satan!
[Demoniac laughter]
- Do you mind?
Look, I'm just wondering
if she said anything to you about me, that's all.
- I'm not doing this, Cutter.
- Doing what? - This.
It was almost bearable when I was your drinking buddy,
but I'm not your drinking buddy and I'm not your go-between.
You have something to ask my sister?
Go fuck her. I mean, talk to her.
Ah, just go!
- Your son's a creep. - No argument there.
Oh no. No, no.
Don't do it. - Yes.
- No no no. - Yes.
- No, no... no! - Oh yes!
- Gentlemen, you're eleven days to lock down,
forty-three to mission Green Line.
And Encon wants an update on all the flight crew starters
beginning with the SPDM.
- Dr. Olson is good to go, Colonel.
- Ah ah. Alternate Marks? - Also good.
Second Alternate Foley, however,
has requested extended leave.
Her father just passed away.
- And he's in a curling rock.
What is a curling rock exactly?
[Chris]: I really wish I had known what to say to you,
but the truth is I...
I had a meltdown. Like uh...
a full blown old style crack-up,
like I suddenly became...
- Shut up, Chris.
You just didn't love me enough.
That's all.
- Okay.
- You're agreeing with me? - No.
I'm not agreeing with you.
I'm sitting across from an astronaut.
You don't think there's some sort of...
- No. Cause a relationship between you ditching me
and me ending up in the space program?
That somehow absolves you? Forget it.
You get no absolution.
- I'm sorry to bother you, Ms. Foley, but...
would you mind?
- I would be happy to. You abandoned me,
you prick.
Shit heel.
Turd.
Scum bucket.
- Hey...
What are we doing?
- Well it's slightly complicated
because I think I actually hate you.
But hate is good and I like this hate, 'cause this hate
is something that I can feel.
[Music]
[Knocking]
- Hey man, have you seen my girlfriend?
- No. - I gotta get one of those
tracking collars, you know. [Singing]
- Who is that down there? - In my room? That's Amy.
- You got her drunk? God damn it, Jim, she's AA.
What else did you do to her?
- Hey man, I resent that implication. Even if I wanted
to take advantage of the young lady, I do have some principles.
You gotta be conscious, for one thing.
Besides, I'm in training, for God's sake.
I mean, the flesh must be controlled, man.
Furthermore, I didn't get her drunk,
you did. - I wasn't even here.
- No, you were in the car with her sister.
- Hang on. Hold on.
Okay? - Hm, hm.
You're such a sweet man.
[She is vomiting.]
- She's okay, she's just tired.
- It's nice that you're lying to me
but we both know she's shit face.
- Yeah. You'll take care of her? - Got to,
she's the only Mom I got. - Okay, hop up.
I'm sorry.
- Sir...
We do seem to have a problem
concerning First-off and Dr. Marks.
- This is unbelievable.
Two men down on one flight.
I wonder what the odds are on that?
- We're running the numbers, Sir, and we're ready to set up
second alternate Dr. Foley too. We'll notify.
- Go away.
[Music]
[Together]: Ninety-eight...
Ninety-nine...
One hundred!
- Gentlemen, let's go!
We've got a tournament to play.
- For years, they have journeyed deep
into the heart of the Canadian shield.
There may be bigger tournaments,
there may be bigger prizes,
but you are as legendary.
Some say it's the ice that draws them,
but I say it's the fans.
In the Mecca of Long Bay, there may be a dozen churches
but make no mistake,
this is where everyone comes to worship.
- We extend a warm welcome to all of our viewers.
I'm Greg Guinness. - And I'm Paul Savage.
- And this is the opening day of the Golden Broom of Long Bay.
- You're eating mushrooms? - Then I'm not throwing,
I'm the one who's got to see the big picture.
[Announcer]: Ladies and gentlemen,
whit his typically triumphant entrance,
please welcome world champion and gold medal winner
Alexander The Juggernaut Yount!
[Rap music]
- I feel a general sense of dread.
- You want an easy ride?
Go play a bonspiel for the gutless.
You want the Golden Broom,
then find your spine.
Do not diminish this.
You're up against the empire of evil!
Good luck!
- For opponents, Yount has drawn...
Oh my, this is a nightmare.
Our local rink skipped by Chris Cutter.
Just to put this in perspective, Paul,
the Broom remains the one title that continues to elude
even the game's dominant force Alexander Yount.
- Hey, you guys look great. Welcome to Long Bay.
- Good curling.
- Whatever. - Call in the air, please?
- Tails.
- Tails it is, Mr. Yount.
- We'll take red. Good game.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the preparation is over and there is no time
for second thoughts for this is the moment
they've all been waiting for.
And the Golden Broom is under way!
[Music]
- On it! Off it...
- That was a...
What do you call that, Paul? - I call that a miss, Greg.
- Cutter... he's got a nice touch.
[Greg]: Our match ups today feature Sarnia
up against Rocky Mountain House on sheet A.
On sheet B, we have Medicine Hat taking on Kamloops.
And on sheet C,
Kingston is represented by the Tragically Hip.
But all eyes will be on sheet B where the local rink
is up against the Juggernaut.
- On!
,13 On!
Do something!
Geez! What is that?!
[Greg]: What would you call that, Paul?
- I'd call that another miss, Greg.
- See, when the, uh... the...
there's no, uh... the... the...
I'm a little stoned.
[Greg]: Cutter is certainly playing with heart,
but after height ends, it appears he may well be
outmanned and outdone.
He's gonna have to come up with a miracle
in these dying moments. He's down by three
and will have to rely on Yount to make a misstep...
[doorbell]
...something the Juggernaut is famous for avoiding.
It may be stressed
that the Juggernaut has yet to win this tournament
for all the glory...
- Hi. I'm Scott Blendyk.
I'm with the Space Agency.
- I'm Amy Foley. I'm with AA.
[Greg]: Hang on. A thin ray of hope has just opened up
for Cutter in the tenth. Tell us about it, Paul.
- Cutter seems to be aiming to put his stone
through this port here and roll it inside.
But that is one hell of a tough shot.
[Greg]: Now, come on now, Paul. If he makes it,
he just might be able to force this game in the extra end.
- Hard! Hard for line! Hard!
Hard!
- Whoo!
- Cutter has him in position to mount a dying moment's comeback!
- Time out!
Time out!
Son, that was a burnt rock.
You've got to call it. [Greg]: There looks to be...
Well, something's going on down there.
- Is there a problem, Eddy?
- It... it was clean. No touch.
[Greg]: Clean! No touch!
Pfew!
- What do you want to do? - Crush them.
- You've got your flag all ready to wave?
[Greg]: As is so often the case, it all comes down
to one stone.
And you have to pity the Cutter Rink
because the man throwing that stone
is the Juggernaut himself.
- Off!
[Greg]: A triple raise takeout for the end and the game.
My God! - The man does know his way
around a curling rock, Greg.
[Greg]: And once again proves he is the master
and totally deserving of the monicker "the Juggernaut".
[Eddy]: How could you do this to us, man?
How could you do this to us twice?
[Neil]: I wanna know what it feels like to win, just once.
[James]: Look at us. We're just a bunch of sorry losers.
[Gordon]: You had a chance to clean house.
Instead you dishonoured the game.
- Neal!
There are straws and there are camels and there are backs.
- Lynda, that's so cryptic.
- She could be talking divorce, Dad.
[Linda]: Come on, boys.
- I'm out, guys. I'm done.
"I am so sick of consequence"
"and the look on your face"
"I am tired of playing defense"
"and I don't even have hockey skates"
"I don't even have hockey skates"
- It transpired that Dr. Olson developed... uh...
- Hypertrophic prostate.
- In layman's terms, a plumbing problem.
The protocol moved us along to an alternate: Dr. Marks.
Marks, it turns out,
received the news of his appointment to the flight deck
rather enthusiastically...
Uh, there's an inquest pending.
And so...
- Good God and all his grand plans!
You mean my baby is going up in space?
- Hey, Nug...
- Yeah? - Give me another.
- Hey.
- Hey. Thanks for taking Brendan.
- He's a good kid.
- Oh... It is so great about you going up on the flight deck.
I'm really proud of you.
- Amy, why do you do this to yourself?
- I'm an alcoholic.
- Listen, uh, the other night in the car...
- Ah, we don't have to talk about that.
- Oh yeah, we do. You know we do.
Look, this isn't about me and him or you and him.
This is about me and you.
- What, like a lesbian incest kind of thing?
- Do you always have to be so flip?
- I have no claim on him.
- Amy, you have this...
you have always had
this special... thing.
You know, you just... you click with people.
You and Dad, you just clicked.
You know, so the other night
in the car, it wasn't, uh...
I think I was just trying to get back.
You know, go back in time.
- But you can't, can you?
- No.
No, you can't.
And you're the only one who can talk to Cutter.
- Hey, Nug... - Yeah?
- How much for the beer? - A dollar fifty.
- And how much for the glass?
- A buck and a half.
- How much for that TV?
- A hundred and fifty.
It's all yours!
Good one!
- You should throw a rock like that!
- Come with me.
Bring my dad.
- I don't want this to be
another father-son shitty conversation,
but after what you did today...
- Oh Christ, it's not just today, Dad.
I've lived my entire life terrified
I was exactly like you.
- Well, you're not. I never cheated.
- You know, when Mom was dying,
all she wanted
was a TV.
And we can't afford one, I'm just a kid,
you're off at the fucking Briar...
- You think I didn't live every hour of every day with that?
- I'm not trying to blame you.
I'm just trying to tell you she wanted a TV
so she could watch you play.
For the longest time, I didn't... I...
I couldn't understand that but now, I think...
and it's not about forgiveness either, 'cause...
she didn't forgive you.
- And you don't either.
- I don't know one way or the other.
All I know is that...
[tearfully]: She loved you.
She loved you!
- You know...
when you were a little boy,
you were my best friend.
I carried you everywhere.
I hugged you all the time.
All the time.
- Hey...
- Get back to the truck.
And when you get there...
take a good long look at that woman who brought you.
- What?
- Seven A.M. Sharp at the Lodge!
In the town of Sterling, in the country of Scotland,
a man took a granite block, cut it, rounded it,
and carved a date in it:
1511.
The first known curling rock.
Since that day,
curling has been a game of the people.
It has foregone trapping of commerce
embraced all comers,
cherished the truth
that all who play the game, on any rink,
on any given day, can be victorious.
And on this given day,
on our rink,
with our brooms
and with Donald Foley in our stone,
we shall be victorious!
- Welcome to the second day of the Golden Broom of Long Bay.
We have a lineup change to tell you about.
It's bound to give a thrill to the hometown fans.
Stepping in for Neal Bucyk
and rounding out the Cutter foursome
is the two-time Briar champion
and living curling legend: Gordon Cutter!
- Sweep! Sweep!
Right on! Right on!
- Now, unless I'm going blind and that's entirely possible,
they seem to have changed their brooms, Paul.
- To the left! Kick it!
[Paul]: And it looks like they brought their own rocks.
[Greg]: They did start this day in a deep hole
against the rest of the field,
in particular against Alexander
The Juggernaut Yount who continues to hold
a commanding lead.
I guess anything that gives you an edge,
even that would be a welcome thing.
And it looks as though it may be paying off.
- Whoo!
[Greg]: Now wait. I believe that Moose Jaw...
Yes!
Cutter has just defeated Moose Jaw!
[Cheering and screaming]
- Keep your eye on them.
- Lf Cutter continues the way he's going,
and if both Sarnia and Medicine Hat lose,
then Cutter may just find himself in the finals.
And on sheet three, Sarnia is in a pitch battle with Yount.
Sarnia has just gone down!
And on sheet D, Cutter has just defeated their opponents!
Paul, things are heating up!
Well Paul, it's no scratch to say
that these last few stones are critical
for the Cutter rink. So critical this whole arena
is on the edge of my seat.
- Sweep! Sweep!
Sweep! Sweep! Sweep!
Harder!
Har...
[Greg]: My God! A double takeout!
They just might do it!
- Medic!
Medic!
[Greg]: Oh! There's a spotted trouble on the ice.
- Gentlemen...
push me back to the hack.
Gently.
[Greg]: And the Cutter team has just sustained a terrible blow!
[Loud scream]
Two points away from a berth in the finals.
Ah, this could be fatal.
I mean, this... this could be death.
- Is he all right?
- No.
- I'm top drawer.
Now, what I figured here is,
you roll around, behind the guard
and you force the extra end. - Yeah. Or I could...
I could go for the in off. Take the deuce. Win it right here.
- Well, Son...
I guess if you're on thin ice, you might as well dance.
- Let's do it!
[Greg]: Now, I could be wrong,
but it looks to me like Cutter is lining up for a double
which is... what would you call that, Paul?
- Insane, Greg.
It looks like he'll bring it through the port,
wick off and end here, which is nuts!
But if he makes it, he's in the final.
- That's it! Yep! Yep!
On it!
[Greg]: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- The longest of long shots! Now the home town team is up
against Alexander Yount! My God!
What a game!
- Good game.
- Whoo!
[Paul]: It's not all peaches and cream, Greg.
Looks as though they've lost a player.
- How the hell can they hope to play a final
with only three guys?
- Oh...
Oh...
[crackling sounds]
Oh...
- What are you doing, Dad?
- Looking in a mirror.
- You know the only thing wrong with second chances
is not taking them.
- Hey.
Oh, look at me.
I'm worrying about a game.
I'm getting advice from an astronaut.
I am proud of you.
- Thanks.
Listen, I probably have to head out
right after the game tomorrow.
So...
- So, uh...
Well, we should...
we should probably talk.
- You think?
It's not exactly our strong subject.
Anyway, uh... it's all okay.
- All of it?
- Yeah. You, Amy, me. All of it.
You win that thing tomorrow, Chris.
For my Dad.
- I'll be looking up for you. - Yeah. First week of June.
Right beneath Venus, that little dot, that'll be me.
- Unless that whole ring blows,
and you'll be at the bottom of the Atlantic.
- Yeah. Thanks. Okay.
They're waiting for you at the bar.
- I'm top drawer. - Gordon, I don't even know how
you're sitting here, but playing tomorrow is out of the question.
- Page 56. - Clause C.
- "In the event of an injury, a team can elect to continue
as a threesome." - There. See?
You can still play. You're not out of it.
- Yeah, she's right. I mean, we just gotta... visualize.
Right. We just gotta believe.
- Believe, yeah.
- I mean, who says Yount is any better than us?
- Yeah. That's like talking Einstein versus Buddha, man.
And I think if Einstein had been born in his day,
I think Einstein could have become the saviour, man.
- Yeah, if he got in touch with the right people.
- Right. And then, it's like the whole genius question
like, uh... Beethoven and Shakespeare...
why can some guy just sit down with a pen?
And why can't this guy, or Salieri and Mozart?
That whole thing?
- Yeah. Yeah. Why is one person better than another?
- Because, because, because this person...
this person was able to grab some knowledge out of the pool.
- But it's a common knowledge. - Exactly!
- Exactly!
- Einstein is no different than Tiger Woods or Bill Shatner
or Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
- I think we're gonna win.
[Canadian National Anthem]
- Whoo! Yeah!
- Yeah! - Whoo!
[Greg]: The ice is cold
and these players are hot!
So, ladies and gentlemen, we are curling!
- On! On!
On!
Good! Good! Good!
[Greg]: And Stromback opens with a beautiful stone
and this game is under way!
Hoo! That is some kind of killer granite!
You know, Paul, after four ends,
I'm getting the feeling Cutter is really struggling out there.
- Geez, these guys are good. - Could be the outfits.
- I think it's the cheerleaders. - Yeah.
- The Juggernaut appears to be in the driver's seat.
Hardly anything Cutter throws out,
the man from Butt, Montana, seems to have the answer for it.
- I believe that's Bute, Greg. - So you say.
[Greg]: If Cutter doesn't find a little magic,
this game may be well out of reach!
[Paul]: There's a word for this, Greg, and that word is:
Ugly.
- Where are you, Kurt? - So what do we do?
- What the hell does Cutter do?
- Fracture this one, bring it in here.
I'm the skip. That's the call. Get to the hack.
- It's like he's staring at the great wall of China.
- Which, apparently, is the only manmade object
you can see from space.
- That's a tough shot.
No one's curled that side of the ice yet today.
- We're amateurs.
I mean, look at the way we're dressed.
- Good luck.
- Right, creepy.
- Sweep! Sweep! Sweep!
Come on! On! On! On!
No!
Fuck! Shit!
Jesus! - Let's get to work, shall we?
[Gordon]: Lambs to the slaughter.
- There's nothing that they can do?
- Without Bucyk, no. The team needs their lead rock.
- And now, it is my pleasure to welcome
the new inductees to the Long Bay Country Club,
Mr. And Mrs. Neal Bucyk.
Mr. And Mrs. Paul Osterberry.
Mr. And Mrs. Sylvain Arsenault.
Mr. And Mrs... [eerie voice and echo]
- Woof!
- Yo, Gasket!
They need you.
- Neal Jason Bucyk!
If you stand up from this table...
You stood up! Okay.
- Yeah, I stood up!
Me!
Neal Jason Bucyk!
[Greg]: Cutter has called for a timeout
and I'm telling you I'm feeling just a little...
Oh, Lordie!
- I don't know what to say.
- Maybe it's our approach. - Maybe you're short a broom.
- Hey! You're back!
- Back from the dead. You got yourselves a hell of a mess.
- You got any ideas?
- Yeah. Bury these guys.
- I love it!
[Greg]: Neal Bucyk has returned to inject some life
into the hometown team.
Ladies and gentlemen, once again, we are curling!
- Sweep it!
- Now they're cooking. - With a nuclear oven!
- On it! On it! On it! On it!
[Greg]: And that rock has cut a line three.
And I'll tell you, this is, this is, this...
this is just damned exciting!
- It's your house.
[Greg]: This is a real biggy, Paul,
because if Yount misses,
it's a brand new game.
But you gotta know The Juggernaut
has killing on his mind.
I mean, look at his eyes...
They're inhuman!
Oh, my God! He's missed! The Juggernaut has missed!
- They stole two!
- Yeah!
Yeah!
- All right, we can do this, guys.
- Oh, this curling is as intense as these eyes I've ever seen!
I mean, get your seat belts on and grab your neighbour's tie,
ladies and gentlemen, because these extra ends
are gonna snowball across the country
till it catches fire!
- On! On!
- Hard!
Harder!
[Greg]: Once again, it comes down
to a final couple of stones.
Cutter's down by two, and if Yount lands this one,
well, I think that will spell the end of the Cutter dream.
Alexander Yount! This man is a killer.
The Cutter rink has called a timeout.
And I tell you, from where we sit,
Cutter doesn't have a shot.
- You said it, Greg.
This house is blocked like a basement toilet.
- I wish he would shut up. - He's right: We're cooked.
- There's gotta be a shot.
- There is a shot: Around the clock.
Four-stone takeout, spin back up sheet.
Tie the game, force an extra end.
- How stoned are you?
- I saw the shot done.
- When? - 73. The Swedes.
World Championship. - The Swedes can do it,
you can do it. - You can do this, man.
- Get on your brooms.
[Greg]: Looks like they've agreed
on something, Paul, but what that might be,
frankly, alludes this commentator.
- What's Lennox doing way out there in the weeds?
[Paul]: It seems like Cutter is going to attempt
to bring his stone around like this.
[Greg]: Which is impossible,
and ridiculous and completely...
impossible.
- Hard!
- Sweep!!!
Sweep!!!
[Greg]: Holy Jupiter! Look at that! He's done it!
He has done it!
He has gone mano a mano with the Juggernaut
and he has tied the game!
This is...
comeback poetry!
Jesus!
- Yeah!
- Yeah! Hey...
Don't tell me...
- It was a touched rock. - What?
- It was a touched rock. - Well, who?
- What's wrong?
- I burned the rock.
[Cheering]
- Guys, it's no time for sportsmanship.
The town needs this.
- It was a touched rock, Jerry. We have to call it.
[Woman]: Come on, Cutter, you can do it!
[Man]: Cutter!
- Oh, darn it! I have to pee.
- Oh dear. It looks like a burned rock.
- Well, in the name of the little baby Jesus
who died on the cross,
not even a slow-mo replay would pick up that... that foul!
- That was a touched rock.
- Reset and let him shoot it again.
- Reset! Go again!
- Why are you giving him a break? - Do you want to win that way?
[Greg]: That shot was impossible once. To do it again,
mathematically, it's gotta be
twice as impossible.
- Hi.
- Everybody's looking at us. - I know, but we should finish
the conversation we started in your truck.
- We didn't say anything. - Come on.
Look in my eyes and tell me that.
- You're gonna go for it, are you?
- Yeah.
- What's he doing? - He's making poetry, baby.
- Are we changing the shot?
- It's like the man said...
the purity of the heart is
to will one thing.
- I can't believe this. I gotta go.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
[Greg]: That's one rock.
The granite, that's two points plus...
the ashes of a dead man that...
- They won! They won!
They won! They won!
[Greg is hysterical.]
- That's my Donald right there! Right there on the button!
- Oh, my God!
Eddy!
- I've played on a lot of ice,
all over this planet we call home,
but I don't believe I've ever seen a better shot.
It's been a pleasure.
- On this planet we call home?
- Hey, whatever.
- We did it!
- Yeah! - No.
I mean, look!
- My God... you're pregnant...
- Dad! - Dad!
- You did it. And you cleaned the house, too.
- James Lennox!!!
- Whoo!
- I said...
James Lennox!
- Oh shit!
Okay man, listen. Before all the violence starts,
I just wanna say, that whole thing with the boat,
that was his idea. - Silence!
I can trace my lineage
back through twelve generations of curling men.
And even if Yount is gracious in defeat,
his shiny suits and lumping' cheerleaders
represent all that is corrupt in God's greatest game.
[Man]: Here, here!
I thank you, James Lennox.
Your debt is erased.
James Lennox!
Yeah!
- Nug! - Yes, Sir!
- Pour a drink for my friend Donald Foley here.
And a round of rigor mortis for everybody!
- I don't know that drink.
- Pour that whole shelf into a bucket.
- You're ready, Eddy?
I got something to show you in the back room.
- We don't have to do this anymore, you know.
I mean, we've already done it. - I know.
But I'm kind of addicted.
- Okay.
- Seriously, I wanted to own a nursery
and be a gardener, that's all.
- You're kidding! 'Cause I love plants.
And you know, making things grow...
- Good God in his high chair, I thank you, Christopher.
And I know Donald thanks you too.
Although I don't know why I say that.
I don't know if dead men are gracious.
- Mrs. Foley, would you mind doing a slow one with me?
- Do you think we should, uh... - Dance?
- No. How about we... - Go?
- Yeah.
- You can leave Brendan with me, dear.
- Cutter, are you ever gonna kiss me
or do I have to do everything myself?
- I sort of like a woman with initiative.
- I sort of like a man who knows what he wants.
- Fuck! You got the wrong guy.
,1 c Captioning by CNST, Montreal
- Oh, fuck!
- One, two, forward!
One, two, back!
- Again! - One, two, forward!
One, two, back!
- That was great!
- He hit the camera!
- What I think they add up to is just what the coach...
[laughter]
- Come on, damnit! Love me!
- Seven A.M. Sharp at the lodge!
- He's coming back.
- Unless that whole ring goes.
Then you'll be at the bottom of the Atlantic.
- Yeah. Thanks. - Anytime.
I tempered with the old ring.
- You know... - Donald...
- Fine. Just Amy.
- His name is Gordon. - Gordon, look, I don't know...
what...
- You don't seem to know what time zone you're in.
- Lilly...
[laughter]
- Help! For God's sake! Throw me a preserver. Strawberry, please.
[Laughter]
- You broke my crane.
{{{ the end }}}